Stop Projecting, Start Spotting: How to See the Strengths in Others
Have you ever silently thought, "What’s wrong with you?" When you do, what you’re really asking is, "Why can’t you just be more like me?" Whether it’s your spouse, coworker, or child, this frustration often comes from an unconscious habit called projection. Projection happens when we expect others to approach situations the way we would. It creates tension, misalignment, and over time, erodes trust and collaboration.
Projection is like wearing sunglasses tinted by your own thoughts and beliefs. They shape everything you see, making it hard to recognize that others view the world entirely differently. This habit leads to misunderstandings, missed opportunities, and a disconnect between what you expect and who others truly are.
But what if, instead of projecting your own perspective, you started noticing the unique strengths of the people around you? Strengths Spotting is the practice of intentionally recognizing and valuing others’ natural tendencies. Tools like CliftonStrengths®, which identifies 34 talent themes, can help you uncover your own strengths—and see the unique talents of those you interact with every day.
It’s a bit like George Carlin’s vuja de—that “distinct sense that somehow, none of this has ever happened before.” When you start noticing strengths, relationships you thought were familiar suddenly feel fresh. You see people in a new way, creating space for connection and mutual respect. I explored this idea [here], and it’s the foundation for transforming frustration into understanding.
How Projection Blurs Our View of Others’ Strengths
I remember first learning about projection in Psych 101. It became pretty easy to notice how often people around me were doing it—and then had to face the painful realization that I was guilty of it too! People often expect others to think and act the way they would themselves. When strengths enter the picture, this pattern becomes even more pronounced. We often assume others should approach situations using the same strengths we rely on.
Consider two coworkers, Sam and Taylor, working on a group project. Sam leads with Deliberative® and prefers to carefully consider all potential risks before making any moves. Taylor, whose top strength is Activator®, loves diving in and getting started immediately. Sam feels rushed and unprepared when Taylor insists they “just get started,” while Taylor gets frustrated, wondering why Sam is “dragging their feet.” Their differing approaches often clash, but recognizing these strengths can create balance between action and careful planning and help them understand each other.
Another example highlights a potential blind spot I’ve noticed in people with Context®. They often assume others have the same mental file of history they do, leading them to start in the middle of a sentence, switch subjects quickly, or leave out key details. While not mentioned by Gallup®, I believe this could potentially be an additional Context-related blind spot that demonstrates how projection shows up, potentially causing confusion and misunderstanding.
This tension highlights a common human tendency to operate on autopilot, assuming everyone sees the world the same way we do. When we aren’t paying attention, these assumptions create unnecessary walls between us. Taking one mindful breath to notice and appreciate people’s unique strengths—without letting your own perspective get in the way—can dramatically improve how you connect with others.
How Projecting Strengths Impacts Relationships
Projecting our strengths everywhere shows up in personal relationships too. Imagine a married couple, Alex and Jamie, planning a weekend getaway. Alex, high in Adaptability®, wants to wake up Saturday morning and see where the day takes them. Jamie, leading with Achiever®, has mentally mapped out each activity. By Saturday morning, Alex feels smothered by Jamie’s detailed plan, while Jamie feels frustrated by Alex’s spontaneity. Both are left thinking, "Why can’t you just be more like me?"
When we automatically focus only on our own perspective, unnecessary tension can build. But through Strengths Spotting, Alex might see Jamie’s planning as a thoughtful way to ensure the weekend runs smoothly, while Jamie learns to appreciate Alex’s spontaneity as a way to bring unexpected joy. This can, almost magically, turn moments of frustration into moments of curiosity and appreciation.
I’m sure there many books written about how projecting can play out between parents and their kids, but it is interesting to consider this from a strengths point of view. A child with Positivity® as their top strength might feel frustrated when a parent, high in Restorative®, frequently focuses on solving problems instead of celebrating wins. Recognizing these differences can help both reframe and bring harmony to what might usually feel dissonant.
This reminds me of a story Herbie Hancock shares about playing with Miles Davis. During a performance, Hancock, a young pianist at the time, accidentally hit what he thought was a wrong chord. Miles Davis, instead of reacting negatively, paused and shifted his melody to make the chord fit seamlessly into the music. Later, Hancock reflected on how Miles turned what felt like a mistake into something beautiful simply by listening deeply and adjusting.
In many ways, this mirrors the practice of Strengths Spotting. Instead of labeling someone’s actions as "wrong" or frustrating, we can choose to see their contributions through a new lens. Much like Davis adjusted his melody to align with Hancock’s chord, we can learn to adapt our perspective to appreciate the strengths of those around us. Whether it’s a child’s Positivity® feeling stifled by a parent’s Restorative® focus or a spouse’s Achiever® clashing with a partner’s Adaptability®, the key is to listen, adjust, and recognize the value in each other’s natural tendencies.
Steps to Break Free from Projecting Strengths
To shift from projecting your own strengths to spotting them in others, start with self-awareness and a willingness to see beyond your own perspective. This shift can open the door to deeper connections and stronger relationships. Here’s how:
Identify Your Strengths: Reflect on how your top strengths influence your behavior and expectations of others. How might your tendencies shape the way you view others?
Learn the Strengths of Others: Whether through CliftonStrengths® assessments or simple conversations, seek to understand what motivates and drives the people around you. Their lens might be completely different from yours.
Reframe Misunderstandings: When conflicts arise, ask yourself, “Could this be a strengths mismatch?” Consider how your strengths might influence your expectations and how theirs might shape their behavior.
From Projecting Strengths to Celebrating Them
When you move from projecting strengths to appreciating them, the results are transformative. Instead of being annoyed by someone’s strengths, you begin to see them as assets. Instead of asking, "Why can’t you just...?" you start asking, "What do you see that I don’t?"
This transformation doesn’t just ease tension—it builds trust, mutual respect, and stronger collaboration. Pause for a moment to reflect on your own strengths and how they shape your expectations. Could you be unintentionally projecting your tendencies? How might you better appreciate the unique contributions of those around you? By focusing on their strengths, you can replace tension with understanding and create stronger, more meaningful connections.